I recently had an old friend pointedly say, “You’ve changed”. It was hurled towards me after a disagreement and there was no mistaking the negative connotation, as if ‘changing’ was a bad thing. Hang on, is it a bad thing?
I felt a little assaulted. My natural instinct was to defend myself. My dragon scale hackles were raised, and my unshaven spikey leg hairs were standing on end ready to attack.
“Yeah, well (because all good defence statements start with a yeah, well), you haven’t changed at all. You still experience the same problems over and over, you still complain about the same things, you always think you’re right, you ask for advice and promptly ignore any of it, you can’t do anything by yourself and, and, and (clearly reaching for some spite) you’re still boring. So, there! (again, because that’s how every adult ends their tirade, right?!)”
At least that was what I was about to blurt out. Instead, I paused. I calmed my spikey legs, coaxed the hackles back into that hidden compartment on my dragon lady back and actually said,
“You’re right. I have changed. I’ve grown.” With, of course, the passive aggressive implication to my friend being – you haven’t! Yep, I’m such a fierce dragon.
Growing into my big scaly self
In fact, I have grown up, out and even backwards (at least that’s what the anti-ageing skin cream says is happening when I apply it haphazardly across the lines growing on my face).
I have grown to accept my flaws and look for opportunities to improve them.
I have grown into being responsible for my mistakes and aiming to fix them as promptly as possible.
My waistline has also grown, but that’s a story for another time.
But I’m not sure I need to defend my growth or as my friend sees it, my change.
Cue the musical interlude
If my life was playing out as a musical, at this stage I would have broken into a rendition of Simply Red’s “If you don’t know me by now, then you’ll never, never, never know me (no you won’t)”. And because I’m the star of this show my stagnant friend wouldn’t be worthy of a singing part. He would just have to stand there looking dumbfounded, which is pretty true to life of what actually happened. The dumbfounded look, not the singing part.
I’m not a fan of confrontation and I hate making others feel uncomfortable. So that was pretty much the end of the conversation. But do you think I could stop the cogs turning, winding tighter and tighter in my mind?! Ahhh, yes, this would then be the scene in ‘the musical of my life’ where it would cut to me forlornly singing the second verse of that song, “We’ve all got our own funny moods, I’ve got mine, woman you’ve got yours too. Just trust in me like I trust in you”.
This is the difference between my friend and me. I respect and trust his decisions even though I often don’t agree with them. After all, it’s his life. I’m left with the question though, does he think because I’ve ‘changed’ (compared to a time when perhaps I agreed with him more), that his trust and respect for me is no longer applicable?
Slap-you-in-the-face signs of change
Don’t you love when you start contemplating something deeply (I’m such a deep thinker, lol) that examples to prove you right, or wrong, jump out at you? It’s like buying a rainbow coloured car and suddenly, every car on the road is rainbow.
While I can’t use my dragon lady force to coerce my friend (or anyone) to step into this fun existence of change, I can set my spikey legs into action by being the change I want to see. Of course, when I wonder how I could do that the universe delivers, in the form of some bright and beautiful examples put in front of me as proof.
Be the change you want to see
My friend Kevin is changing the world by showing up. He’s changing how communities contribute to awareness of meaningful causes. Kevin is using his involvement in his community (Terrigal Trotters literally IS his community -he is the founding member #1) to run an ice bath challenge that both raises awareness and funds for Motor Neuron Disease (MND). He wants to see more research, more funding and more awareness for MND so he IS the change to making that happen. He’s changing charity into a crazy challenge one person at a time.
My friend Ladine is changing the world as an eco-warrior woman. She wants to see people be mindful of how their lives impact the world around them and (gorgeously) models that behaviour. Ladine posts thought-provoking news items and handy eco tips that actually make our lives easier without being a force-it-down your throat advocate. She is changing eco-awareness by showing us how to get the feel-good factor for the planet.
My friend Vanessa is changing the world as an advocate for ethical social enterprise. Say what?! Basically, she makes business decisions based on working with companies that are ethically in line with her values. Whether I agree or disagree with what she advocates for I truly admire her stance. She lives and breaths the change she wants to see in the business world, without the need to justify her bottom line. That takes guts!
Can a dragon actually change its scales?
It has made me think, which I’m grateful to my friend for, despite my dragon instincts telling me his judgement was not from a place of helpfulness. Yes, I have changed and I’m proud of it. Even the fact that I was able to retract my hackles at a point I was feeling attacked.
I’m more concerned about those who are so stuck in their ways they can’t see the opportunities to evolve or to make an impact in other ways. Maybe it’s time for those who haven’t changed to explore their own inner dragons? To look at the world through another creature’s eyes. To thrive instead of just surviving.
Do you still want to be friends with an evolving dragon lady?
So, if nothing else, if you don’t like me now there’s always the chance I’ll change enough for you to like me in the future.
If you used to like me but think that my change is too firey, then there is a good chance I will change again sometime soon, so hold out hope for us to be friends.
But
If you don’t know me by now, I’ll give you a hint. I refuse to remain stagnant. And while I’m happy to be your friend if you are more the amoebic-pond-dwelling type than the evolving dragon type and you think I want to hang out in your motionless and unchanging pond for too long then you’ll probably never, never, never know me.
Who do you see changing the world?
How have you changed?
Xk
