#FromWhereISit, today started yesterday for me.
I went to bed late which meant I already knew I would ignore my alarm.
I’m cranky at myself and taking it out on everyone else.
I’m cranky because it’s sunny. Yep, after all the rain we’ve had, I’m cranky because there’s a little patch of time where the forgotten warmth of sunshine is caressing my skin as I sit in it and read.
I’m cranky because I shouldn’t have ignored my alarm, I should have gotten up and ridden my bike with my friends.
If I did, I would now be feeling exhilarated, fulfilled and probably completely stuffed. But I wouldn’t have regretted it. I would be sitting in a much nicer feeling, looking out upon the rest of the day with eyes of opportunity.
Instead, I try to ignore my missed opportunity and read my book, something I love to do. But it seems like a senseless thing to do on a sunny day.
Reading is for rainy days, right?!
I have so many rigid beliefs about what I should and shouldn’t do. It’s like I’m standing on one side of a pane of glass, looking out at what I could do but unable to see a way through.
I feel guilty or like I’m missing out if I don’t go outside and make the most of a sunny day.
Why?
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I enjoy reading my book?
And if I’m so annoyed at missing out on riding my bike, why don’t I just get to it now?
Is this how everyone think? Or am I a weirdo?
Do others feel they have to maximise their relationship with mother nature, making hay while the sun shines and all that?
Anyways, I was attempting to wash away mother natures sunny taunts in a chlorine bath, with a few laps at the pool. This was the first swim I’ve had in a long time.
My swim was a bandaid to a bleeding heart, stabbed by my own thoughts. And we all know that a bandaid floating in a public pool is, well, [gross] pretty useless. While I think I set a new slow-lane record with the 85year old lady walking in the lane beside me going faster than my freestyle, it stemmed my oozing crankiness.
My main (read: only) motivation to go faster than walker-granny was the thought she may beat me to the last almond croissant at the coffee shop. Haha, the sucker couldn’t get her walking frame to the line fast enough!
So, as i let my crankiness dry up, I’m sitting here savouring my almond croissant and coffee just ‘being’.
I’m listening to illogical conversations between parents and toddlers, watching all shapes and sizes stride purposefully into the gym, but mostly wondering what the blowfly on the window in front of me is thinking.
It could be anywhere but its constrained by its own doing.
Feels familiar.
Do blowflys think? Do they have a purpose beyond survival? Are they happy or content? Are they envious of other blowflys? Is there different blowfly interests, like cafe vs cow dung blowflys?
Lots of wondering and not a lot of epiphany-ing today.
But maybe that IS the epiphany. I need to keep questioning to loosen my rigid ideals, smash that looking glass. Be less blowfly… don’t get trapped by my own thoughts, looking out and buzzing around. Just sit and enjoy the view for a while.
So many questions! Do you question your own thoughts and thought process? Do you ever find you’re a bit of a blowfly, buzzing around incessantly, looking for a way through the glass?
I’d love to know!
Xk
Be Less Blowfly
