I have been going with the flow a lot lately. In reality that flow is more akin to a gurgle. Life has been somewhat passing me by and I’ve been letting it.
After declaring my #fromwhereisit challenge to the virtual world last night, I went to bed feeling like I had plugged the gurgle and was ready to flush the system.
It must have stirred something in me, as I couldn’t sleep. This in itself was unusual as I’ve been craving sleep, or more so, I’ve been craving the reprieve sleep gives me from having to think. This is not easy to write, or even to admit. In fact, I have a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes and my finger over the delete button as I consider whether I am strong enough to reveal that I’m not that strong.
My identity is tied up in ‘happy’. It’s pretty rare for anyone to see me without a smile and engaging in cheeky humour. Ok, well, my family may disagree (they see the haphazardly cranky, sometimes sad, often anxious creature they live with regularly).
So, as I layed awake I was happy to be excited. Not a lot has excited me lately. Even fabulous news is often laced with feigned excitement. I’m not necessarily feeling strong yet, but the feeling keeping my mind-switch stuck in the ‘on’ position is the confidence in my strength to return. I’m like a child with a promise of the lolly shop, imagining mini adventures with my new writing toy: #fromwhereisit, envisioning my purpose in each day with a scaffolded agenda.
I woke with the same fervour and realised I’m excited because I’m constructing my life instead of just letting it happen.
So, #fromwhereisit today comes from a position of vulnerability and exposure, but also from inspiration.
I’m sipping a coffee and spilling my inner feelings at a friends cafe. Jenny and her sister-in-law Michaela are two amazing women who are deliberately constructing their lives through strong foundations.
Both women have young families, a regular job and juggle a new business. I’m sitting here wanting to say “I’ll have what she’s having”, almost expecting to be served a portion of their passion and dedication. I know it’s not easy and they have their own struggles, but they should know the impact their effort has on others!
#fromwhereisit I’m completely inspired by them. If I’m truly honest, I often attest to giving things my best go, but a lot of the time I think I’m only putting in 80%, yet expecting more – this is especially true with my triathlon training. Getting all deeply psychological here, I suspect that I’m afraid of giving my whole self to something. By proportioning my effort I’m left with the security of thinking ‘I could have done better’.
I know I’ll need to find a way to balance this equation of effort vs outcome. Maybe I’ll be disappointed and discover that my 80% was realistically all I had to give. Or, maybe I’ll discover that there is more I can offer this world, and be rewarded for my risk.
Who inspires you?
Are you constructing or crumbling through your days?
Xk
