Today I literally had an epiphany. It was an out loud talk to yourself moment. I have always seen characters in movies have these ‘moments’ and scoffed at the silliness of it. But, maybe I’ve been missing out on the benefit of these confounding little self-talk soliloquies? This is what happened after the director of life snapped ‘action’ on this somewhat scary plot.
Scene 1 – Bedroom
As I was sitting knee deep in all the clothes from my wardrobe, trying to ‘spark joy’ with them -all Marie Kondo style- I realised that I was once again procrasti-cleaning. It is my second best go to, after procrasti-cooking. Not that I particularly like either cooking or cleaning, but what I do like is the sense of achievement. Cue, chariots of fire style music in my head with freshly baked bread and a sparkling home. Yep, I love a good race to get something done.
While I’m sure you’re completely fascinated with my household habits, the plot must deepen. The epiphany hit when I started to question why I was choosing to do this stupid tidying method when I have so many other exciting ambitions to chase. Cue, the thought bubble of me charging through the city in my high-powered business suit, keep-cup coffee in one hand and notepad peeping out of my designer handbag in the other.
Scene 2 – Still knee deep in clothes in bedroom
Then, out loud, came ‘I’m scared!’. And, like the dumbfounded movie bimbo, I looked around the empty room to see from where this voice had emerged. Um, it continued ‘Yep, I’m scared. I’m not scared of failing, I’m scared of succeeding’. Like any good Aussie movie soundtrack (or a classic scene of the grumpy balcony men from the Muppets) the warbled gossip of magpie chat from just outside my window weighed in on my one person ‘out loud’ conversation. I think I also heard the kookaburras give their mocking opinion of my epiphany too.
Scene 3 – Pacing around the house and lying on the couch
I spent the weekend trying to come up with a suitable domain name for my writing services business only to be slapped in the face with the obvious – it was just a delay tactic to actually formalise my writing business. Hence, I procrastinated with binge watching the first season of Girlboss, purely for hard core inspirational business research.
Scene 4 – Sitting at my laptop, with my fingers often finding the delete key
I have been putting off sending some pretty interesting ‘pitches’ for writing projects that I know will fit well with certain brands and that I can easily write. But again, I am not afraid of them saying ‘no’, I’m terrified of them accepting.
Scene 5 – Back knee deep in clothes in the bedroom
So, “What the hell is wrong with me?” pops out. Out loud again. What’s with the out loud thing…maybe I’m trying a little too hard to spark joy? Of course, the magpies go silent, not sticking their beaks in with answers when I truly need them. And, what sort of dumb insecurity is being scared to succeed?? It’s kinda rhetorical – but feel free to give me an answer!
Scene 6 – Making coffee and mulling over possible answers to my epiphany
I’m an extremely lucky person. Last week I found $50 cold, hard cash…it literally was cold and hard. I found it in a puddle on my run in the rain. The week before I had won a very cool pair of bike pants on Instagram. I’m regularly gifted valuable time and other wonderful things by friends. My family supports and encourages me constantly. I don’t know why, I’m not really an exceptionally nice person or overly deserving. Mostly good stuff and amazing opportunities just happen for me.
Scene 7 – Eating chocolate to see if it brings an answer to my epiphany
I have been a hard worker throughout my careers (medical devices, pharmaceuticals, teaching, magazine sub-editing, writing – hmmm, and I still wonder what I will ‘be’ when I grow up?). But maybe I’ve hit my limit and just don’t want to work too hard anymore? Maybe that’s why I’m scared? Because if I combine my good luck and unwavering faith in my own abilities it spells hard work.
But then, who watches one episode of Marie Kondo and decides to clean out an entire wardrobe of previously hoarded clothes?…that takes hard work. Or perhaps it just diverts my time to avoid success in other areas.
Scene 8 – Sitting here in front of you, bearing my soul
Cue the violins. While I had the epiphany that I’m scared of success, I now need the happy ending. I need to be struck by another epiphany to explain it. Sorry folks, this looks like it will be one of those cliff-hanger thrillers that makes you wait for the next installment.
I guess this script is the backbone of committing to my writing career in a more formal way. Putting my words where my mouth is, so to speak (oh the amazing world of puns). The end of this week is my deadline for the debut feature of my new writing website. This world wide web premier will have a two-fold task. Firstly, making me accountable to an audience (that’s you!) to get it done (feel free to send me nagging messages asking for progress updates). Secondly, and most importantly it will test my fear of success. I will be doing it mostly for me to see if the plot thickens with my quest to answer why I’m scared of success, but part two will be on-screen soon.
Stay tuned folks…
Xk
Ps. Please, please tell me…have you ever spoken to yourself out loud?
